Bellissima333 on Xanga

Saturday, 29 August 2009

Well. Where to even start? I'm not sure what I'm doing on here to be quite honest. All I know is that once again, I'm getting spectacularly unhappy with my life. That's not true entirely. I already AM unhappy with my life, but not even spectacularly. Much like everything in my life. Nothing is so terribly wrong, just truly awful, but then again, I really don't feel like I have anything great in my life either right now. And what's worse is that this makes more than a year of feeling like this. I didn't really know how hard it was going to be when I moved to Indy last summer. I assumed it would maybe be a little lonely at first, but I would meet people I work with, and we would hang out. Well, guess what. NOT the case. Don't get me wrong, I do like my co-workers...for the most part, they're fun people. But my department doesn't really hang out outside of work, and when they do, its the married couples hanging out, and they never invite me, because I would just be a fifth wheel--no date. I get that, really, I do. I just didn't expect to be one of only two non-married staff, and one of the few females to boot. Add to all that the fact that I've hit this point where I'd rather not hang out with anyone if it's just going to feel forced and awkward (which it of course DOES at first), and you pretty much have a picture of my life. Or non-existent one, to be exact. I haven't had weekend plans with people who I haven't already known for years (friends from HS, college, family) in going on a solid year. The saddest bit? Before that, the only weekend plans I had here in Indy were with my ex-boyfriends mother. I just...I don't meet people easily. I know that. I never have, and I don't think I ever will. I always feel like I'm throwing myself into people's plans already, and I don't want to make them feel obligated to let me come along, so I always sit around and wait for an invitation (which never comes). Oh sure, I could ask people out, but I'm terrified of being rejected, and it's easier for me to deal with having no one in my life than trying to have friends and being rejected again. I think it goes back to when we moved in 4th grade. Suffice to say, prior to that point, I had never really had problems making friends, and I didn't really understand there would be truly mean people in life. Fast foward through 4th grade, and by the end, I literally had no friends, had been called blue-collar and told to go back to where I came from, and was in fact, so pathetic, the teachers were resorting to ordering kids to sit with me and talk to me, so I wouldn't feel so lonely. I threw myself into my schoolwork, and that was fine for a while, because so what, I didn't have friends. I was smart, and I was good at what I did. Well, now I'm not even that anymore. I'm not the smartest kid around anymore, or really anywhere close to it most days. I'm not a complete idiot, but I know I'm probably more average than even I'd like to admit. I have absolutely no athletic ability either, which makes joining rec athletic leagues a bear. I don't even like to play sports, and I'm no good at it, so I don't meet people that way. I'm just so upset that it's been all this time in Indy, and I feel like I've made no progress.

I don't hate my job, in fact I like it pretty well. But it's never been something I'm passionate about, it's a job to be paid for, and to pay my bills with. I could try to throw myself into it like I did with schoolwork, but to what end? I at least liked learning back then, and was good at it. Now I'm not good at it, and I just feel so tired all the time. Like it's a struggle to convince myself to do more than the bare minimum to keep up appearances. I've essentially given up any hope of finding friends and/or love in Indianapolis. But I'm not seeing myself doing anything about it either. I mean, I tried Match, but I'm not sure I want something serious right now, and that seems to be what those guys are looking for. Plus it still feels so forced. I'm just not someone who gets to know others quickly. I need time to feel comfortable with you! I always did okay if I could go with some friends and meet their friends a few times, get comfy with them slowly. But I don't have a single person to do that with here in Indy. Not a single one. And so I spend my weekends, wandering about, napping, getting upset at myself, spending money on things in the hopes I can distract myself from the knowledge that the average weekend passes without me speaking to anyone other than cashiers. That's just sad. I shouldn't be spending my 20's like this!

But at the same time, I just don't have the energy to try to make myself do things that aren't going to be much fun, and end up feeling forced. Like every once in a while, I'll get myself at least psyched enough to go on a date with a Match guy, or hang out with the couples from the office. And inevitably, every time, I come home wondering why I bothered. The guys I just can't feel comfortable making a decision to date you that quickly, and the couples, well, fifth-wheel anyone?? So now I've hit this point where I don't even try to have a social life here anymore. I talk to old friends from college, etc. and live through their lives. Or look at pictures on Facbeook, then start to cry when I see how much fun and laughter everyone else is having, while I sit at my computer every day and try to make up for not having a life.

Could I move? Sure, absolutely I could. But I'm terrified of giving up what is genuinely a pretty good job, especially in this economy, to head out for the unknown. I essentially did that with Indy, and I wish with all my heart I hadn't. I'm not happy. I haven't been happy in a year, at least not here. I'm happy when I'm at other place,s with old friends, but by and large, I'm just unsettled in Indy. I just go around varying between fairly content, and devastatingly upset at my life. Truly happy? Only when I'm pretending I'm somewhere else, with other people. I don't know what to do. Stay where I am, and be just "okay" for the rest of my life, and face the facts that I will probably forever remain a loner? Or strike out again on my own, with my dog, and hope for the best? Because to be honest, I have no faith in "the best" anymore. It's nice in stories and movies and fairytales--but non-existent in real life.

So instead, I'll try what I did last summer. If I can't be happy, I can at least be SO unhappy that I'm not even hungry, and maybe lose some weight. And who can forget, drinking until it goes away. So here I go again. Off to the store for more booze before the night begins, so I can get sloppy drunk and cry myself to sleep.